tough call

i take comfort in knowing that other families are struggling as much as mine

I'm filling out forms for assistance. I hope this works. I could use a little help. Couldn't you? Andy why do I feel guilty and bad that I need help? There's a job opportunity...I could make enough money to theoretically pull myself out of this hole. But then when I consider taking it, I feel guilty about "abandoning" my career and my clients. So what do i do? take the job, work on my clients on weekends and forfeit my family?

see the spiral. It's a strong one.

So...that's the dark side. The bright side is that I do have regular clients. The extra bright side is that the PT clinic is also keeping at least 2 clients on my schedule per week. not bad for a start right? I'm going to be giving a little 10 minute talk to the rest of the staff about who i am and what i do and what I can offer to their patients. This is such an awesome opportunity and i totally dig working there. It's so...stimulating! getting to work in a truly clinical environment rocks. So waht i'm going to keep doing is being a massage therapist. One day it'll pay off. It has in the past. It will again. you never know. Maybe once everything picks back up, my master plan of recreating the center and selling it off before movi g to the country to work in a hospital setting in a nearby city will come true. I think I'm going to make a poster for myself that states my master plan. OOh, no, maybe print pictures and make a collage...there ya go! success!!!

on the fringe

sometimes I feel like i'm on the fringe of all my so called friends
now, one or two of them are true friends. The kind that understand what I mean when I say I feel like that friend that nobody really wants to hang out with....just almost a pity friend.

so my friend Jaq nailed it on the head today "on the fringe"
and yes, i feel that way. in almost everything I do.
I don't want to isolate myself, but I'm finding that I am less and less interested in the inner workings of interacting with other people.

I do not want the hassle of working with new contractors. I don't really want to have to "work" at friendships.

well, hold on.

I truly enjoy working with my clients. I truly enjoy the ever shrinking number of girlfriends....there's 3...at most 5 depending on the day.

I'm not close with my brother and my cousins are the closest thing to blood sisters I have. So that brings me back to the girlfriends. I was talking with one the other day while visiting my mother. After hanging up, she mentioned that she does not have any girlfriends that she can speak so openly to as I did with my friend just then. That she never really had the need, or connection with anyone like that.
I reminded her that I do not have a sister. She, however, has a built in "best friend" in her sister. There's something to be said about a sister. So, Since I don't have one, I have my girlfriends. They are my sisters.
Interesting....I just realized that all of my girlfriends, my true friends, are the ones that I can go months without speaking to and then upon our next conversation have the same connection and communication that we had...or have had over the decades that we've known each other. So, maybe I'm not on the fringe...maybe the fringe that I live in is where I'm supposed to be. With my hubby and son as my daily life. My two favorite people. My sisters are the rest of my friends/girlfriends that I connect with/spend time with/talk to when needed. They don't expect me to be around 24/7. they've got their favorite people too.

this is not a pity party. it's just an observation.