funnyfunnyfunny!!!

www.landoverbaptist.org

and another thing

I wish that abortions were not needed.
I wish that children were educated enough to respect their precious bodies, lives and hearts.
I wish that people would not use their hatred to violate others.
I wish that we as a nation-nay-WORLD could just accept that diversity is not a sin.

"values"

I'm sure this is not a new post among the world of bloggers. But i'm sick and fucking tired of the religious people of this nation trying to impose their moral, ethical and religious views onto MY body, and way of life!!!

If I want to live with my same sex partner of 14 years, we should receive the same legal rights as a heterosexual couple. Marriage is personal. Keep your fucking views off my love life!

AND, keep your values off my body. What I personally believe regarding my reproduction is personal! What happened to the separation of church and state in our "free" country??

For Example...
You should not think for a second that I would walk into your life and berate YOU for being a dumbfuck that abuses their dog by tying them up in the yard and ignoring them for their entire life. I may think it's heinously wrong, but the law has stated that as long as you provide food, water and shelter for your animal it's enough. My god would smite you down for stupidity when you asked to be let through the hematite gates to the everlasting everafter if you DARED show up without a loving pet to vouch for you!!

So...What I do with my pregnancy is MY business. My view on "life" is mine. Stay out of it!

So, what triggered this spew of forgiving words? Christmas is around the corner.

ok, so again, what's the button?

"help keep CHRIST in Christmas!" That's what did it for me.

It's YOUR fucking holiday! Why do you need me, my family or the general media to dictate how it's been commercialized? If you're hung up on how OTHER people treat YOUR holiday...You're not really in it for the right reasons!

what NOT to say

now, i have a 6 month old boy

I was just asked

"are you gaining weight or are you pregnant again?"


fuck

oh.. .and totally unrelated....

this sparring totally cracks me up!

what sign are you?

So I took this highly accurate (dude, I found it on the internet and the internet NEVER lies, does it?) quiz and found out:

Your Element Is Earth

You excel at planning and strategizing. You could be a champ at chess or Survivor. Well grounded, you are able to be realistic and rationalize. On the inside, you have a hard core. It's tough to phase you. You are super productive, and you are able to think anything through. Focused and super charged, your instincts are a good guide for your next step.

What's Your Element?

Pity fuck!!!???

Man, that's just sad
Anything named "pity-fuck" is truly saaaad.

Me, i never screw out of pity
I only screw for power! or chocolate...or a clean kitchen, house, etc. Did you know someone did some research that found that wives find their husbands more attractive if the husband does housework? So guys, clean up after yourselves, the pets, kids or whatever and get a little nooky! Hell, clean the whole damn house and you may end up with that long anticipated 3-some your wife promised before she got knocked up and became the mommy/housewife/nobody she thinks she is.
And for that matter, if you feel like you're not getting enough action, hire a sitter and have date night. Nothing gets the engines warm better than a reason to get out of the grungy spit laden sweats like a dinner at a fine (not shoney's guys) restaurant with candle light and wine. She'll get a little warm and tipsy due to the fact she's probably not been able to finish a full drink since the kids showed up. Then she'll realize...DAMN, I've not had sex in forever !!!
And you...yes YOU will be the person she's looking at. And then....don't give her time to look at the house or kids when you get home - actually, have grandma take the kids and you guys get a hotel room close to the restaurant. Because if you have to drive all the way home, she's bound to fall asleep like a 4month old in a carseat!
So, in a way, it is a pity fuck. Your needs are met as well as the needs of your wife. You get laid and she gets to feel like a grownup again

so ok
pity fuck me - please

Things that make you go hmmmm.......

Are they really SERIOUS?!?!?

Amazon Add

drunk as a skunk

So I knew a girl..She used the phrase "drunk as a skunk" and i never quite knew what she meant...other than she was well...wasted
boy AM I!!!
One of my friends has a vineyard tour as her bachelorette part. OMG!! several glasses later (probably bottles) I'm happy to say I've got my first real "drunk" since i had my kid.

man i'm sure i'll go to hell for this, but DAMN i miss the drunk!
oh, don't be upset...i'm not feeding the boy "toxic milk"

i pumped
more than you wanted to know???
shouldn'tve checked in.....
ta ta

wise words from my 5 month old

m,xzdcaAAAA nAAAAAAAAA n u j ,msev 0 yuuh .

Money....That's what i want

well, not actually. I'd love to live without the STRESS of money!
I could play the lottery....but i need the dollar for gas to get to work to earn actual money

I could wait for a rich relative to die and leave me everything....but i don't have one and the only relatives that might leave me something mean more to me alive than dead.

I could get over myself and actually market my business in a manner that would bring in clients!!???

I have no response for that. Anyone want to do that job for me? I don't have the cash to pay you. BUT, i can pay in trade. I give a fantastic massage!
Really, ask anyone.
ok
so no takers huh?
how about just giving me money?
back to that again
Money....That's what i want.

My Husband rocks!!! He made this bed out of trees and branches from our property.

Awesome!

wtf??

So just a few questions from the wee little bit between my ears...
I was listening to the radio the other day and heard a tidbit about someone who had written a book...an entire friggin book about the weaknesses of our country, borders etc and listed some of the many ways we could be attacked by our enemy.
uhhh....
why?
Seriously? Why would you write that? Let's give people who don't like us, and have the idea that we should all be shot or bombed or something..., a way to do it!?? MY GOD! WHY THE HELL would you write that? I mean, they've got their own imagination. ooh, wait. Unless you're writing it to let them know we will see them coming?
oh..nope. If that's the case, then you've done about a decades worth of work for them and now they know what ways to not try...
it's like taking a pre-teen kid that never thought of doing drugs and layin' out a table full of drugs and telling him what each of them does and how to get them.
Gee, thanks officer...I never knew the best place to buy recreational drugs is the corner of Oak and Fry St, Denton, TX (back in 1995).

Think people....

Anybody know an exorcist?

I have some serious demons in my kitchen that need exorcising.... with names like Ghiradelli, Hershey and Fluff..... the only way I know to get rid of them would require lots of follow up in the exercising department - another area of life that I'm probably hazier on than I should be...

thank you!

And this, folks, is why i love my friends.
Who else is going to send you posts about cakes for your early morning, pre-coffee viewing?
wtf!?
ok, so i get that baby butt's are cute. But do you really want to eat the cake? And how increeeedibly self centered to you have to be to have a cake of yourself at your wedding. She didn't even include a cupcake sculpture of her husband!?? Y'know (crazybitch) this day wouldn't even be happening if that sucker you call a husband hadn't made the collossal mistake of proposing to you!
Do you think her friends and family took turns cutting into it? Symbolically killing that lovely bride? Id've paid a buck to slice an ear off personally. Just because.
Also, it sort of makes you wonder about her need to make everyone "eat" her. hmmm, I'm sure everyone can secretly say "ew" now to the instant photo in your head where the blushing bride (HA) is the center of her own fantastic orgy. 'I want everyone to eat me!'
Holy shit people...do you think she thought of THAT when she was ordering the cake?
ew...again....ew

ok... seriously funny shit.

you HAVE to check this out...... maybe for your next office get together?

oh, and just so you know, if I had been at your baby shower, you'd have gotten this

or if you're more in the mood for a catchy tune.....

bad mom?

Ok, so why the caffeine reference? Well, i have a 5 month old little boy.
He's actually rediculously easy. Not really fussy, very easy going (the most beautiful baby if I am to believe what EVERYONE tells me lol)...but, like all babies, i have to wake up at least once a night.
This is not one of those no-one told me moments. I'm a realist about my boy and the sleep deprivation that accompanies children. Anyone who bitches about it to anyone other than good close friends who know you are just sleep deprived and need a shoulder to cry on before passing out, really wasn't ready to have kids in the first place.
Oh, exceptions to that rule?.....none
Yes, i know some children are worse than others...tough
you really should've done some research before getting knocked up. It's a huuuge chore being pregnant, giving up vices, changing your work schedule, dealing with the damn little einstein crap, the smell of diapers....
if you plan on bitching about it, you're not ready. Expect the worst and just be surprised if it's not as bad as you thought. If it is as bad as you though, well you've still got that amazing, beautiful baby that smiles when you walk in the room right? If that's not worth all the hard work, I dont' know what is.

oh...it's gross. Truly gross when your kid goes 3 days without a poop then shits himself to the point of needing a bath. But it's part of the territory. Plus, he looks so happy and releived after all the hard work of filling a diaper. By the way, even though I know that's what he's doing, I laugh at the faces he makes working sooo hard to fill that diaper for me.
"go baby go" and "fill up that diaper sweetie" are often heard in my house. When he's done "wow, you must feel sooo much better"

Oh, funny bad mom story. When he was probably about a month old, changing a diaper, I reached for a clean diaper when i heard what could only be described as 'one pissed off baby' and water running.....you know what's coming??? it's better than what you think. I truly wish i had had a video camera on this...
I looked back and saw he was red faced, trying to use his hands to block the stream of PISS landing straight on his face!!!!
I laughed so hard i had tears in my eyes! poor guy was furious! So, i cleaned him up and calmed him down, laughing the whole time. So what makes me a bad mom about that? Not that I let it happen, but that I thought it was so damn funny I told EVERYONE about it!

Ok then....that's a looong bit of blather over a morning cup of coffee to help wake me up enough to go into his room, turn off the einstein tv thing and play with him for a while.

virgin posting!!!

Well, helloooooo blog world!
I don't know if this is a good idea or not, but I've joined the ranks of millions to purge my brain onto the somewhat unsuspecting internet.
What, praytell shall I write about!? Well, I think it'll be sort of my "no-one told me" idea from a few years ago. Basically, I came up with an idea (and went so far as to buy the domain name) to have a website that shared all sorts of information, that when I found out about it, made me say things like "why the hell didn't i know this before!???"
y'know, generally life changing information that, when shared with those around you, everyone already seemed to know! They just didn't see the importance of sharing the information. Information that, once known, seems like common knowledge.

So, I'm going to post my "EUREKA" moments here on the blog
There will, inevitably, be posts about my daily life and the brilliant people I meet. The infathomable intelligence of others will be discussed.
So
Here it is world
my first blog.
or...there it was