I don't really have a topic for this rant. Here's what's been goign on in my life so far for 2010. My childhood friend lost her dad, a truly remarkable man, to complications of brain cancer. Then on January 14th, a friend of mine lost her life when she got out of her broken down vehicle. She was struck by a dump truck.
tadaaaaaah, great way to start the year huh? But here's what i'm hoping for. I'm hoping that that is the end of the bad. Last year was so difficult for so many people including my family. I struggled and all that with my business. My hubby, bless his patient soul, has supported me 100% in rebuilding the business and ....well you get the point.
this year has started so much better than last year. If you have read my posts, you know that last january i took that hideous job at the dental office out of complete and utter fear that I could not afford to buy food! It was aweful. However, this year (besides the whole 2 funerals in a month thing) has started out very nicely. I'm feeling very safe. I was able to pay off a tax bill from 2008. I had money this morning when the mechanic said my brakes were shot and needed replacing. I'm getting out and walking when the weather permits, I'm doing weightwatchers to lose the 15lbs and in general things are fantastic!
so, now what? what's next on my "to do" list.
I don't really make new years resolutions
Simplicity.
I want to reduce my debt. reduce my waste, reduce my clutter and overall simplify my existence.
I want to learn new massage techniques to further my skills in orthopedic massage. I want to reach other small businesses and "network" with them.
I want to strengthen my body
......so, I guess I've got the answer to my "now what?" quesiton
let's see how it goes
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
vaccines
Here's my problem and the problem of most parents I speak to about this.
first...Vaccines save lives.
However...Diagnostic tools for finding the many levels of developmental delay and autism are growing every day which leads to new diagnosis when they find a delay that does not fit into an existing diagnosis.The preservatives and other stabilizers they use in vaccines contain certain levels of heavy metals. The scientific community is creating more and more vaccines to help keep us alive thus more and more heavy metals and other preservatives our body can handle in small amounts...but they're accumulating in our system.
Many children that are predisposed to developmental problems are exhibiting symptoms shortly after vaccines.
So, what's the answer? there isn't one. You just have to do what's right for you and your child. Pick and choose the big important ones and hope for the best. I've met enough parents who are absolutely convinced their childs developmental delay/issue is directly related to a vaccine.
I don't know if chelation would be an option to help remove the heavy metals from the body but I know that if my child ever exhibited signs it'd be on the top of the list of things i would try.
that along with other alternative modalities like craniosacral therapy, dietary modifications, specialtists are of course included in this medly of modalitis.
I am sure that the number of people helped vs hurt makes it worth doing
first...Vaccines save lives.
However...Diagnostic tools for finding the many levels of developmental delay and autism are growing every day which leads to new diagnosis when they find a delay that does not fit into an existing diagnosis.The preservatives and other stabilizers they use in vaccines contain certain levels of heavy metals. The scientific community is creating more and more vaccines to help keep us alive thus more and more heavy metals and other preservatives our body can handle in small amounts...but they're accumulating in our system.
Many children that are predisposed to developmental problems are exhibiting symptoms shortly after vaccines.
So, what's the answer? there isn't one. You just have to do what's right for you and your child. Pick and choose the big important ones and hope for the best. I've met enough parents who are absolutely convinced their childs developmental delay/issue is directly related to a vaccine.
I don't know if chelation would be an option to help remove the heavy metals from the body but I know that if my child ever exhibited signs it'd be on the top of the list of things i would try.
that along with other alternative modalities like craniosacral therapy, dietary modifications, specialtists are of course included in this medly of modalitis.
I am sure that the number of people helped vs hurt makes it worth doing
Saturday, July 4, 2009
a one sided conversation with Sarah Palin
So I was talking to my hubby about a daydream I have
I'm not religious by any means. I believe in a higher something but do not agree with the dogma of any religion. I think Taoism might be the closest thing but that's actually a philosophy...anyway, back to my daydream
I, for some unknown reason, on a long flight next to Sarah Palin while travelling with my son. At some point in time the conversation inevitably turns to my rights over my body. I throw out a couple of scenarios like pregnancy due to rape and failed birth control with my husband. I daydreamed that I could have an affecting chat with her that would allow her to change her mind about my rights over my own body and the need for social programs and a change of the tax structure that over the last several years has been working against me to make a living at the art that is my livelihood. We discussed how one accidental pregnancy would nearly, if not actually, ruin my life. I am not covered for pregnancy through my health insurance, I might not qualify for state assistance because I'm making money. I would be self pay and that would break me. That piled on top of back taxes which are approximately 45% because I'm self employed - oh the reason they're not paid is I had to pay the electric bill for home, the gas to heat said home and food to feed my family!
so, in this daydream of a conversation, I actually make her think twice and consider changing her church run state, religious run mindset to one of open minded acceptance in which she can truly serve the needs of the people. Education and assistance over control and intolerance.
that's really it isn't it? and this conversation/daydream could apply to any politician.
I'm not religious by any means. I believe in a higher something but do not agree with the dogma of any religion. I think Taoism might be the closest thing but that's actually a philosophy...anyway, back to my daydream
I, for some unknown reason, on a long flight next to Sarah Palin while travelling with my son. At some point in time the conversation inevitably turns to my rights over my body. I throw out a couple of scenarios like pregnancy due to rape and failed birth control with my husband. I daydreamed that I could have an affecting chat with her that would allow her to change her mind about my rights over my own body and the need for social programs and a change of the tax structure that over the last several years has been working against me to make a living at the art that is my livelihood. We discussed how one accidental pregnancy would nearly, if not actually, ruin my life. I am not covered for pregnancy through my health insurance, I might not qualify for state assistance because I'm making money. I would be self pay and that would break me. That piled on top of back taxes which are approximately 45% because I'm self employed - oh the reason they're not paid is I had to pay the electric bill for home, the gas to heat said home and food to feed my family!
so, in this daydream of a conversation, I actually make her think twice and consider changing her church run state, religious run mindset to one of open minded acceptance in which she can truly serve the needs of the people. Education and assistance over control and intolerance.
that's really it isn't it? and this conversation/daydream could apply to any politician.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
grief
Which would be worse? to hear that your 20something child died at the hands of another, a random accident..or at their own hand?
I'm grappling with what to do for a friend of mine who's son is dead.
The initial report says his girlfriend and he broke up, he left a note and he walked into his front yard and shot himself in the head.
His mother says he would not do that
my question is...why the front yard?
but back to my original thought. If someone killed him, then there's that person to channel your anger on. If it's an accident...you get mad at god
if it's your own son...how do you justify being angry at them? shouldn't they have known to come to you? or their brother? that... as their mother, you would do anything for them? I'm crying at the prospect of just ever knowing my son would ever be in enough pain to need me let alone consider taking his life!
Ok, pulling myself out of that
what do I do for her? I know, be there, help with the mundane, let her do the mundane, leave her alone, bring her food, take care of the pets...
There's nothing I can do for her.
And that breaks my heart again.
I'm grappling with what to do for a friend of mine who's son is dead.
The initial report says his girlfriend and he broke up, he left a note and he walked into his front yard and shot himself in the head.
His mother says he would not do that
my question is...why the front yard?
but back to my original thought. If someone killed him, then there's that person to channel your anger on. If it's an accident...you get mad at god
if it's your own son...how do you justify being angry at them? shouldn't they have known to come to you? or their brother? that... as their mother, you would do anything for them? I'm crying at the prospect of just ever knowing my son would ever be in enough pain to need me let alone consider taking his life!
Ok, pulling myself out of that
what do I do for her? I know, be there, help with the mundane, let her do the mundane, leave her alone, bring her food, take care of the pets...
There's nothing I can do for her.
And that breaks my heart again.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
broken filter
so...my filter has been a tad torn over the last eternity. I appparently say whatever's on my mind.
Now, I personally think it's not completely true. I would like to say I take "the high road" and use phrases that are pretty neutral and don't carry blame.
but the other day I didn't. I warned my friend then let it rip
he's left his wife.
again.
this time, he was trying to figure out how to tell their 6yo daughter.
so, the neutral thing to say would have been along the lines of "i'm sure you know what your daughter can handle" or "She'll be ok"
but no.
I basically told him he had been castrated long ago and it's about fucking time he got his balls back, took control of the situation and for a change put himself before his wife or himself.
He's fucked up and so is his wife. They're SCREWING up their daughter! I came very close to saying "how dare you"
but it didn't quite make the cut and match the flow of words streaming out of my mouth
Then I broke it down to black and white. there are 2 things you need to do
create an open, honest, respectful environment for your daughter and tell her you guys are breaking up but you love her very much
1. we're breaking up - honest and respectful of her
2. we love you - create safety and security
basically, now that i have a son, i HATE to see parents screwing up their children and using them as weapons against each other!
Now, I personally think it's not completely true. I would like to say I take "the high road" and use phrases that are pretty neutral and don't carry blame.
but the other day I didn't. I warned my friend then let it rip
he's left his wife.
again.
this time, he was trying to figure out how to tell their 6yo daughter.
so, the neutral thing to say would have been along the lines of "i'm sure you know what your daughter can handle" or "She'll be ok"
but no.
I basically told him he had been castrated long ago and it's about fucking time he got his balls back, took control of the situation and for a change put himself before his wife or himself.
He's fucked up and so is his wife. They're SCREWING up their daughter! I came very close to saying "how dare you"
but it didn't quite make the cut and match the flow of words streaming out of my mouth
Then I broke it down to black and white. there are 2 things you need to do
create an open, honest, respectful environment for your daughter and tell her you guys are breaking up but you love her very much
1. we're breaking up - honest and respectful of her
2. we love you - create safety and security
basically, now that i have a son, i HATE to see parents screwing up their children and using them as weapons against each other!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
tough call
i take comfort in knowing that other families are struggling as much as mine
I'm filling out forms for assistance. I hope this works. I could use a little help. Couldn't you? Andy why do I feel guilty and bad that I need help? There's a job opportunity...I could make enough money to theoretically pull myself out of this hole. But then when I consider taking it, I feel guilty about "abandoning" my career and my clients. So what do i do? take the job, work on my clients on weekends and forfeit my family?
see the spiral. It's a strong one.
So...that's the dark side. The bright side is that I do have regular clients. The extra bright side is that the PT clinic is also keeping at least 2 clients on my schedule per week. not bad for a start right? I'm going to be giving a little 10 minute talk to the rest of the staff about who i am and what i do and what I can offer to their patients. This is such an awesome opportunity and i totally dig working there. It's so...stimulating! getting to work in a truly clinical environment rocks. So waht i'm going to keep doing is being a massage therapist. One day it'll pay off. It has in the past. It will again. you never know. Maybe once everything picks back up, my master plan of recreating the center and selling it off before movi g to the country to work in a hospital setting in a nearby city will come true. I think I'm going to make a poster for myself that states my master plan. OOh, no, maybe print pictures and make a collage...there ya go! success!!!
I'm filling out forms for assistance. I hope this works. I could use a little help. Couldn't you? Andy why do I feel guilty and bad that I need help? There's a job opportunity...I could make enough money to theoretically pull myself out of this hole. But then when I consider taking it, I feel guilty about "abandoning" my career and my clients. So what do i do? take the job, work on my clients on weekends and forfeit my family?
see the spiral. It's a strong one.
So...that's the dark side. The bright side is that I do have regular clients. The extra bright side is that the PT clinic is also keeping at least 2 clients on my schedule per week. not bad for a start right? I'm going to be giving a little 10 minute talk to the rest of the staff about who i am and what i do and what I can offer to their patients. This is such an awesome opportunity and i totally dig working there. It's so...stimulating! getting to work in a truly clinical environment rocks. So waht i'm going to keep doing is being a massage therapist. One day it'll pay off. It has in the past. It will again. you never know. Maybe once everything picks back up, my master plan of recreating the center and selling it off before movi g to the country to work in a hospital setting in a nearby city will come true. I think I'm going to make a poster for myself that states my master plan. OOh, no, maybe print pictures and make a collage...there ya go! success!!!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
on the fringe
sometimes I feel like i'm on the fringe of all my so called friends
now, one or two of them are true friends. The kind that understand what I mean when I say I feel like that friend that nobody really wants to hang out with....just almost a pity friend.
so my friend Jaq nailed it on the head today "on the fringe"
and yes, i feel that way. in almost everything I do.
I don't want to isolate myself, but I'm finding that I am less and less interested in the inner workings of interacting with other people.
I do not want the hassle of working with new contractors. I don't really want to have to "work" at friendships.
well, hold on.
I truly enjoy working with my clients. I truly enjoy the ever shrinking number of girlfriends....there's 3...at most 5 depending on the day.
I'm not close with my brother and my cousins are the closest thing to blood sisters I have. So that brings me back to the girlfriends. I was talking with one the other day while visiting my mother. After hanging up, she mentioned that she does not have any girlfriends that she can speak so openly to as I did with my friend just then. That she never really had the need, or connection with anyone like that.
I reminded her that I do not have a sister. She, however, has a built in "best friend" in her sister. There's something to be said about a sister. So, Since I don't have one, I have my girlfriends. They are my sisters.
Interesting....I just realized that all of my girlfriends, my true friends, are the ones that I can go months without speaking to and then upon our next conversation have the same connection and communication that we had...or have had over the decades that we've known each other. So, maybe I'm not on the fringe...maybe the fringe that I live in is where I'm supposed to be. With my hubby and son as my daily life. My two favorite people. My sisters are the rest of my friends/girlfriends that I connect with/spend time with/talk to when needed. They don't expect me to be around 24/7. they've got their favorite people too.
this is not a pity party. it's just an observation.
now, one or two of them are true friends. The kind that understand what I mean when I say I feel like that friend that nobody really wants to hang out with....just almost a pity friend.
so my friend Jaq nailed it on the head today "on the fringe"
and yes, i feel that way. in almost everything I do.
I don't want to isolate myself, but I'm finding that I am less and less interested in the inner workings of interacting with other people.
I do not want the hassle of working with new contractors. I don't really want to have to "work" at friendships.
well, hold on.
I truly enjoy working with my clients. I truly enjoy the ever shrinking number of girlfriends....there's 3...at most 5 depending on the day.
I'm not close with my brother and my cousins are the closest thing to blood sisters I have. So that brings me back to the girlfriends. I was talking with one the other day while visiting my mother. After hanging up, she mentioned that she does not have any girlfriends that she can speak so openly to as I did with my friend just then. That she never really had the need, or connection with anyone like that.
I reminded her that I do not have a sister. She, however, has a built in "best friend" in her sister. There's something to be said about a sister. So, Since I don't have one, I have my girlfriends. They are my sisters.
Interesting....I just realized that all of my girlfriends, my true friends, are the ones that I can go months without speaking to and then upon our next conversation have the same connection and communication that we had...or have had over the decades that we've known each other. So, maybe I'm not on the fringe...maybe the fringe that I live in is where I'm supposed to be. With my hubby and son as my daily life. My two favorite people. My sisters are the rest of my friends/girlfriends that I connect with/spend time with/talk to when needed. They don't expect me to be around 24/7. they've got their favorite people too.
this is not a pity party. it's just an observation.
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